Love, what I now know.

About a month ago I wrote an article titled: “Why I gave up on love”, it was probably my most popular article, but since then, I have changed my mind about a lot of what I wrote. A lot has changed in the month since I wrote that article, I’ve been hit with a lot of different things, I have learned and opened my eyes to things I had not seen before. But this article is not about my circumstances, and it isn’t about the events that led me to this point in which I am writing what you are now reading. This article is about God.

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All this time I had given up on love for so many reasons, so many human reasons. Reasons of the flesh, reasons of failure, reasons of things that have all to do with earthly and fleeting thoughts. I had given up on love because of people, when all of this time I wasn’t realizing that I was giving up on God. Not believing in love, meant I wasn’t believing in what love is, God is love. I thought that I had to sit on my pedestal of bitterness, anger, and resentment against the failures and workings of a world that is imperfect in every way, and that I just had to wait, wait until someone proved themselves worthy enough to show me that love was real. I was so wrong in my thinking, for all of these years I’ve been wrong, because for all of these years I was making love about people proving it. I turned love into a scientific experiment, with equations and formulas, with facts and statistics. I turned it into this toxic thing that I hated because I somehow assumed it didn’t want me and didn’t want anything to do with me. All this time fear was my greatest ally and companion, and it makes perfect sense, because only perfect love can get rid of fear and I was in a relationship with my fears. Fear was replacing love in my life under every circumstance. Secretly, I sat down waiting for someone to prove me wrong, when the entire time I was ignoring the biggest truth I could have ignored. I was ignoring that God was the love that I was rejecting. It was never about someone, it was never about another imperfect human being showing me that love could be real, it was always about me knowing that it was real because God was and is real.

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Relationships weren’t love, and the results of those relationships weren’t love either. People’s iniquities and their failures weren’t love, and neither were my own. Through my attitudes, not only did I not receive love when it was there for me to take, but I also never really loved others without putting them under a test. Those I believed had rejected me may have done so, but through my unbelief and my waiting for them to prove to me something I already had, I had also never loved them either. It makes me sad to think of all the times I separated love from God, believing His love to be one kind, and the love on this earth to be another. How many times I said I didn’t believe in it, and He had to hear me say it. I’m thankful for His mercy, and for His knowing of our ignorance, of our small-mindedness and our extreme lack. I’m thankful that He knows that we fail, because as much as I have ever been proud of myself for trying my best not to fail him, I have. God was there all along, sending me signs and letting me know that He was there, but I failed to see him in that area of my life. I thought I was being so smart, so cautious, so intelligent and wise and interesting in saying that love was not for me. I thought that I was being strong and that any display of believing in this thing called “love” was nothing but a sign of weakness, when in reality my not believing in it was a sign of atheism. God is love, and I wasn’t believing in what He is, what He really is.

I’m writing this now because I am done saying that. I am done with reducing love to what I have experienced in relationships with people who didn’t even know or believe in God’s true love. How could I expect to receive love from people who had not experienced God’s great love in all of its abundance? And even more so, how could I sit back and wait for it to appear to me, when I didn’t believe in it myself, and much less know how to give it? I now know, that God is love. I know it not because I’ve read it, not because I’ve seen it in the bible, or I’ve heard it from a preaching. I know it because it has been revealed to me, and I’ve come to the realization that even with all of my mistakes, and everything that isn’t right about me, God loves me. He loves all of us. I don’t know what this means as far as relationships go, but I do know this: if someone recognizes this love, and if someone feels this love firstly for God, if someone follows the truth and the feelings of this love before the thoughts, before the words, before the influence of anything else, this love will be real. It will be real because this person will see me, and they won’t just see me, they won’t see the things everyone else sees. They won’t see my physical appearance, my personality even, or any of the many errors and mistakes that I make on a daily basis. They will see what God sees when He looks at me, and what He always saw when He didn’t give up on me even when year after year I was unconsciously giving up on Him with my words. They will see the reason God loves me, and that even through all of this, and through this incredible discovery, God has broken the gates that were holding up a flood of love that I wanted to feel and give not only to people but to life, to everything. I now know that if someone believes in that kind of love, they will see it in me, and they will believe in me too. But I also know, that no matter what, God is love, and therefore love is real. I’ll never give up on it again.

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